The Kavorker™

You don't need "Assisted Suicide" if you can Push the Green Button...

Rents for
Only $499.95!

 Plus Shipping & Handling

We're all in the same boat (including lawmakers).  The US Government has decided that we have to live as long as possible, whether we want to or not. They pay the tab to keep us living (that comes from all our pocket's). We could have any level of pain or be incapacitated to any extent. The medical community has the legal responsibility to keep us going as long as they possibly can.

In all but two states in the US (Oregon and Washington State), it's illegal to assist a loved one or patient in ending their life. Maybe the doctors give you only two weeks or two months to live in horrible emotional and/or physical pain? You've got to tough it out with the aid of drugs to keep you living as long as possible. You don't control your life, or death. The Government does.

Every one of us is going to die.  Well meaning lawmakers, police, prosecutors and jailers will be dealing with their own immortality soon enough - or they'll be dealing with a loved one in failing health. They don't seem to give any thought to the possibility of Karma being real... "Our actions now (might?) effect what happens to us in the future."  Put into simpler American terms, "Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you."

The Government sentences criminals to death (but sometimes they're innocent), and then leaves them to rot on death row to let them "think about" their misdeeds. As we've all seen in the movies, the last days and hours are tough on the prisoner. Not because they're in pain - but because of the anxiety related to not knowing exactly what's going to happen, if it will hurt, and how they'll handle it. Someone with a terminal illness is in a similar situation, except they also have to live with pain (or doped up on drugs to the point that they're a zombie). A terminal illness with pain and anxiety. Not a good way to live, but Americans literally have no choice.

An interesting observation by an Assistant Professor of Health Administration at Loma Linda University is that 80 percent of an older American's lifetime medical spending will likely occur in the last months of their life... whether they want it or not (and it's paid for by Medicare - which is all of us taxpayers). While the economy stinks, and money shouldn't be a consideration in living or dying, it's certainly a waste of a lot of money to keep someone breathing and in terrible pain because some politicians don't like assisted suicide (until it's their turn?).

Some of us are stronger than others. We're going to make the most of our lives until we take our last breath. We're not going to let sickness, pain, disease or injury take one minute away from the fun we're having. Any pain we have is just a part of living. We can deal with it as long as we have to.

Some of us have had a ton of fun in our lives, but we know when to call it quits. We're in a lot of pain, and have lots of anxiety / depression about what's going to happen. The anxiety is as bad or worse as the physical pain we're going through. We know we're going to die sooner rather than later. We'd like to end both types of pain. We just can't do what we used to do, and life isn't fun like this. We know there are a lot of people around us who don't want to lose us, but we'd like to be in control of our own lives - and how much pain we have to endure (mentally or physically).

Luckily, suicide is legal in all 50 states in the US. Although the Government would gladly lock us up if they could, they won't get the chance if we're successful with the suicide. If we're not successful, the police will find some other law to put us in jail with criminals - and we'll be under suicide watch. The doctors might say we have 6 days, 6 weeks or 6 months to live, but the Government says we've got to tough it out no matter how much mental or physical pain we're in (except in Oregon and Washington State). Obviously, even in Oregon and Washington the laws are very strict about what a doctor can do to help you end your life, and you have to be a legal resident of the state.

Because suicide is legal everywhere, if we can get our hands on something that might end our life, we might give it a try. Unfortunately, there aren't many foolproof ways of ending our life. Most are messy, and are anything but "Death with Dignity."

A salesperson for GE Long Term Care Insurance (nursing home / home care insurance) told me that I'd have to buy the insurance. I told her that "I'll just kill myself if it gets to that point some day." She said "You just had a stroke. You're sitting in a wheelchair in the hallway of a nursing home, drooling all over yourself. How are you going to kill yourself?" She had a point, but I didn't buy the insurance. Maybe I made a mistake?

The rules have changed.  The future is here.  Russian technology from the Chernobyl Electrical Institute has brought the freedom that Russian citizens have at the end of their lives, to Americans. The Patented Kavorker™ technology will painlessly end a life within 10 seconds at the push of a button, in a cozy private chamber. Plug the chamber into a regular phone line, and the automatic vital sign monitoring equipment will call 911 for you.

The  Kavorker™  is delivered
disguised as a portable toilet

Because the police will arrest anybody who assists someone in suicide in any way, even someone delivering equipment or a relative renting you a hotel room, the Kavorker™ is delivered to your home, apartment or hotel in a box labeled "portable toilet." When the easy-open cardboard box is opened, the easy to clean Karvorker™ plastic chamber is labeled "TOILET."  It even has an opening inside like a standard portable toilet, but it's delivered without blue toilet chemicals. The Kavorker™ can be placed on its side (for the handicapped), or stood
up for use. There's a comfortable bench inside.

In Russia, it's legal for a doctor or loved one to assist someone in using the Kavorker™. In Russia, the Kavorker™ has no label on it, there's just a bench with no hole for the blue toilet chemicals, and it's molded in a subdued color.  Because it's illegal to assist anyone in committing suicide in the US (except in Oregon and Washington State), our loved ones are forced to spend their last moments in a chamber colored and labeled as a "TOILET."  This isn't exactly "Death with Dignity," but it's as close as we can get in 49 states in the US.

The Kavorker™ is never sold.  It's rented, since our customers never need it more than once. We've never had a repeat customer in Russia or in the US.

The cost of the Kavorker™ is kept low by only renting the Kavorker™, which comes with instructions for the cleaning people on how to return it freight collect to our distribution center.